I am constantly dismayed by my inability to get up at 5am. What is up? Its not like I go to bed at 4 am and like, have an hours sleep… No, I am regularly tucked up at eleven pm and in the land of nod by three minutes past.  When this Christmas came I was thinking ahead and so ordered a Teasmade from the old parentals. Now those of you in their mid thirties upwards will remember the joy of the original TM, released on to the market in the late 1970’s –  a thoroughly modern device that adorned the bedside table of every new build in Slough and Milton Keynes.  It is up there with the foot spa, Tupperware and the flameproof nightie as the most unnecessary luxury (ish) item for the petit bourgeoisie.  Wierdly my left wing mother even had one (admittedly well after she’d got through with  Communism) .    I remember gazing in wonder at this clock, kettle and tea pot combo that managed to wake you, make your tea and gently gurgle at you as you stayed a bit in the land of nod.


So impressed was I that I stole it from my mothers room, I decided that I had to get the very early bus to school and I needed something to waken me at six am.  I barely slept all night so excited was I about the fact I was about to be woken with a hot cuppa by a machine next to my bed.  When it did finally “woosh” in to life, I felt like I was in a cocoon of comfort, knowing that I was being taken care of, as if connected by an umbilical cord to my tea.   That week I got to school at 6.50 am and had to wait outside the gates for twenty minutes every day until they opened the gates. My mother, deciding I was probably mental, took the Teasmade back and I immediately reverted to my 8.20 am dash to the bus stop.


So over the years I have concluded that the only way I am ever going to get up early is to have a TM. Years – nay – decades past and then, one day last month, in despair over my career and my general lack of time to write/think/imagine/ be I sat down with a twenty four hour clock and decided I needed to pull some more hours from somewhere.  My baby now sleeps till seven ish so I thought – yes ! I’ll get up at 5.30 and work before she wakes.  Then I tried it, I set my alarm and prepared mentally for the next day.   All that happened was I turned over and went back to sleep. This was repeated for the next three days.


After the general self flagellation that followed, I remembered the Teasmade. I got a burst of energy and ran to Argos to buy one. Yes! They still make them except now they also have a light!! Anyway yesterday I finally got it out of its box and set it up. I read the manual (seems easy enough) set the clock and pressed a button marked –“Set alarm and make tea”


I went to sleep excited – as if  age 13 all over again. I had my mug with milk all ready to pour the ready made tea in to.   During the night I tossed and turned and woke up from a hideous nightmare.  A man was chasing me round my house trying to stab me to death (actually it was my mortgage broker – a nice man).   I tried to calm down but I was scared witless. I haven’t had a nightmare for literally years. I finally went back to sleep to wake myself up at 6.30. The bloody Teasmade was quiet as a mouse – no tea, no alarm and I’d overslept by an hour.  I pressed the button marked “Tea Now” and it gurgled in to life.  Then – far from just a “woosh” the TM made a sound akin to a steam train pulling in to a station.  I desperately tried to shut it up – throwing my duvet over it.  But to no avail – the steam train sound had woken the baby up.


Therefore my morning was completely tits up, not only did I have a nightmare, I was up before dawn, I got no work done and managed to wake the baby.  I noticed that there is a Teasmade helpline, I rang it today – no one answered.  Now I re fill the tank with trepidation… What will this evening hold?